What code doesn't do
Joe
Posts: 99
0
Joe
Posts: 99
Joe
Posts: 99
Comments
I always wondered why Halle Barry doesn't walk through the door or my code doesn't spin around like in the movie Swordfish.
Remember Jurrasic Park when that girl hacks a Unix system!?!??!
But best at this point was the German synchronization - "Unix" was not spoken English but plain German....
CLIPPER programmers don't actually hunt elephants, they just buy libraries of elephant parts and then spend years trying to integrate them.
DBASE programmers only hunt elephants at night when no one will notice that they are still using crossbows.
FOXPRO programmers switch to newer and better rifles every few days which causes them to spend more time learning new shooting techniques than actually hunting.
C programmers refuse to buy rifles off the shelf, preferring to take steel rods and a mobile machine shop to Africa intending to build the perfect rifle for the job from scratch.
PARADOX programmers go to Africa with copies of Hollywood movie scripts about elephant hunting, the re-enactment of which they believe will help them catch an elephant.
ACCESS programmers zero right in on an elephant right away, even with no prior experience in elephant hunting, and then, impeccably dressed and fully looking the part, get the elephant in their beuatifully-mounted scopes, and then realize that other than missing a trigger, they are 99.9% 'there'.
RBASE programmers are rarer than elephants. In fact, when an elephant sees an RBASE programmer he considers it a luck day.
VISUAL ACCESS programmers point at their bullets, point at their rifles, then point at the elephant. This amuses the elephants, who run away. They are unable to persue the elephant because their jeeps are undriveable having steering wheels, yokes, joy sticks and rudders, due to their love of multiple controls.
ADA, APL, and FORTRAN programmers are just as fictional as Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.
COBOL programmers have too much empathy to hunt another near-extinct species
Any ideas how AXcess, NetLinx and Duet Programmers hunt elephants?
http://nand.net/~demaria/hollywood.txt
My favorite bit from that is another Jurassic Park reference.
A custom system with millions of lines of code
controlling a multimillion dollar theme park can be operated by a 13 year
old who has seen a Unix system before. Seeing an operating system means you
know how to run any application on that system, even custom apps.
Note: What OS was it really running?
(1) "These are super computers". A CrayOS?
(2) "Quicktime movie, Apple logo, trash can." MacOS?
(3) "Reboot. System ready. C:\" DOS?
(4) "Hey, this is Unix. I know this" Unix?
The computers in Jurassic Park were Cray supercomputers running the MacOS
as a graphical shell of DOS all layered on top of a Unix base.
DUET programmers don’t hunt elephants, they discover them.
Whilst this is a little bit dated now, I think it's still a good read..
:-)
If Operating Systems were beers
DOS Beer
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
directions carefully before opening the can. Originally came only in
an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is
divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed
separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are
going to keep on drinking it after its no longer available.
OS/2 Beer
Comes in a 32-oz. can. Allows you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously. Also allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer
simultaneously, though somewhat more slowly. Advertises that its cans
wont explode when you open them, even after shaking. You never really
see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International
Beer Merchants) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
UNIX Beer
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64
oz. Drinkers of UNIX Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though
they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical.
Sometimes the pop-top breaks off when you try to open them, so you
have to have a can opener around for those occasions. If you use the
can opener, you'll need a complete set of instructions or a friend who
has been drinking UNIX Beer for several years.
Mac Beer
At first came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can.
Considered by many to be a light beer. All the cans look identical.
When you take one from the refrigerator, it opens itself. The
ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the
ingredients, you are told that you don't need to know. A notice
on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trash can.
Windows NT Beer
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This
causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The
can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beers, but the company promises to
change the can to look like Windows 95 Beers. Touted as an
industrial strength beer, and suggested for use only in bars.
AmigaDOS Beer
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked
up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import.
AmigaDOS Beer never really sold very well because the original
manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like UNIX Beer fans,
AmigaDOS drinkers are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally
came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can
was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colourful, but the
design hasn't changed much over the years and now appears dated.
Critics of this beer claim it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
Windows 3.1 Beer
The worlds most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot
like Mac Beers. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that
it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in
reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially if
you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no
apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
Windows 95 Beer
People who have taste-tested it claim its wonderful. The can looks a
lot like Mac Beers, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes
in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside the cans only have 16 oz. of
beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1
until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. Close
inspection of the ingredients list reveals that Windows 95 Beer
contains some of the ingredients in Windows 3.1 Beer, even though the
manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
VMS Beer
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and
sipping. However, cans have been known on occasion to explode, or
contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high-pressure
development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list
of ingredients, you're told that its proprietary and referred to an
unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumour is that
this was once listed in the Physicians Desk Reference as
tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.
That's it!!!!!